I like to understand things. I like having a plan, knowing what to expect. And lately, I've stopped trying to figure things out, I stopped trying to make a plan- things have been so out of order. I plan for the worst, for the best, for just what's supposed to happen (good weather, bad weather, what if I decide I want to wear a dress?) and the opposite happens. I've given up.

I don't know how to handle this. I'm so scared of being caught off guard that I'm looking too far ahead into the future and I'm forgetting how to simply hold on for dear life. I learn how to hit the curve, and I forgot how to read pitches.

I've been given the opportunity (possibly) to start over with a clean slate... but I don't know if I want to. What if I fail again? What if it makes no difference?

I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to stop asking so many questions. I'm trying to learn to just hold on regardless of where I'm pulled and dragged. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not supposed to understand, not yet. Maybe I'm just supposed to learn from the things that have held me back, clench my fists and fight them head on. Fight like hell.

I'm going to go ahead and try to start this over. It's not a penance, plan B or even just me trying to clean up the mess I've made; it's a new start, a clean slate. It's a blessing.

I rooted myself firmly in an unwavering foundation: And I thrived. I discovered a level of life I hadn't known existed since fighting dragons and tyrants in the days of my youth; I loved, and I was loved, and the world was just as it should be.

And then you faltered.

I have no blame to heap towards you- I have no bitterness, no anger, no distrust.

I don't understand why the bonds that hold the world in place are so fragile. I don't understand how ecstasy can transpire to tears so quickly.

I had a plan- we had a plan; I was happy- we were happy. But life is too delicate to plan so far in the future. If I have any fault, rage or lack of trust to bestow upon anybody- anything- it would be into life's long list of sins that I would lay them.

I'm forced to sit out these empty hours and wait, knowing I won't receive any news until morning. I know that despite the gut wrenching nauseousness I feel towards life, that things will work themselves out- this peace forcing itself up out of the pit of my stomach.

The beauty of you, gives me my fortitude; stronger than any dark cloud screaming out loud. Don't you see your innocence is what's made you so beautiful from the beginning?

Gone for Good

Untie me. I've said no vow.
The train is getting way too loud.
I gotta leave here, my girl;
get on with my lonely life.

Just leave the ring on the rail
for the wheels to nullify.

Until this turn in my head
I let you stay, and you paid no rent.
I spent twelve long months on the lam.

That's enough sitting on the fence
for the fear of breaking dams.

I find a fatal flaw
in the logic of love-
and go out of my head.

You love a sinking stone
that'll never elope,
so get used to the lonesome-
girl, you must atone some-
don't leave me no phone number there.
La de dum.

It took me all of a year
to put the poison pill to your ear,
but now I stand on honest ground- on honest ground.

You want to fight for this love
but, honey, you cannot wrestle a dove,
so baby it's clear.

You want to jump and dance
but you sat on your hands
and lost your only chance.

Go back to your hometown,
get your feet on the ground,
And stop floating around.

I find a fatal flaw
in the logic of love-
and go out of my head.

You love a sinking stone
that'll never elope,
so get used to the lonesome-
girl, you must atone some-
don't leave me no phone numbers there.
La de dum.


The Shins
"Good for Gone"
Chutes too Narrow

The Fifth Worst Feeling in the World

Bare with me here; let's pretend you're playing a softball game, 'kay? Right, and you're losing... by more points than you've been keeping track of. And there's this guy up to bat on the other team, and you like this guy, but you hate playing softball against him. And for once, instead of hitting it to the fence, he hits a foul- just past first base. Now, even though you play first base, you were playing closer to second than you were to first because you and the pitcher communicate and have this mean defense thing down- anyways, you see ball pop up and you claim in as loud as you can and you run for it. It's coming down and you're running closer and closer to the fence, not even sure if it's inside of the park. You watch it drop into your glove- and then you watch it bounce out as you continue to fall backwards and do some weird sort of flip thing.

I can't believe I came that close only to watch the ball fall to the ground. Although I do have to admit, it would have been pretty a amazing feat to accomplish.

"Do you want my honest and unfair judgment of you? I think you're a really sweet girl who needs to go back to church, and who also has some social anxiety."

"I Just Can't Look- It's Killing Me..."

My mind has been extremely busy as of late- thinking all the crazy, jumbled thoughts it's been thinking, and then having to sort them all out. I want to get out of this place - don't get me wrong, I love (some) of the people, my family, the people I play softball with, but the scenery and bs makes me sick. I just wish I had my life more together- that I knew what I was doing, what I wanted to do... what I could do.

We went hiking about a week ago. We went around the North Shore and hit various camp sites, it's pretty fun. I've never been to Duluth before, I really liked it there, I'm contemplated moving up there... Where I'd really like to go is Grand Rapids. You see, there's this college out there, and I love it... but it costs more than what I have to spend... so I guess I'll settle for an in-state state college, if that makes sense.

I played my first softball game since last August. I forgot how amazing the world looks in a panoramic view from behind home plate. Or the exhilaration of ripping your mask off and snatching the speeding ball out of the air, only to collide with the accelerating black guy diving at your feet. Or the hearing the crack of the bat, only to grab the ball and send it to the base as fast as possible- knowing it was your throw that made that runner go sit in the dug out- just talking about it gives me the chills.

Maybe I'll stick around for the summer...

I'm Dreaming of a...

I had the craziest dream last night.

I (did you know that "dreampt" isn't a word?) was Justin Morneau's sister, and I was taking a shower with him and Joe Mauer in the locker room (no worries- we were wearing our swimming suits!). Apparently when Justin and I left to go play scrabble Joe was murdered and I ended up being the one who discovered his body. I was therefore accused of his murder and all I had for my defense was that I was in the next room playing scrabble and that I wrote in my journal that Justin was my brother. I told my mum about my dream and she told me it must have been a nightmare.

As I was marinating my shrimp last night, my mom told me that the Twins were playing Texas the day I was born - and that's who they play this year on my birthday!! Isn't that crazy? I'm planning the craziest birthday bash. I'm so excited. Yay!!