I like to understand things. I like having a plan, knowing what to expect. And lately, I've stopped trying to figure things out, I stopped trying to make a plan- things have been so out of order. I plan for the worst, for the best, for just what's supposed to happen (good weather, bad weather, what if I decide I want to wear a dress?) and the opposite happens. I've given up.

I don't know how to handle this. I'm so scared of being caught off guard that I'm looking too far ahead into the future and I'm forgetting how to simply hold on for dear life. I learn how to hit the curve, and I forgot how to read pitches.

I've been given the opportunity (possibly) to start over with a clean slate... but I don't know if I want to. What if I fail again? What if it makes no difference?

I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to stop asking so many questions. I'm trying to learn to just hold on regardless of where I'm pulled and dragged. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not supposed to understand, not yet. Maybe I'm just supposed to learn from the things that have held me back, clench my fists and fight them head on. Fight like hell.

I'm going to go ahead and try to start this over. It's not a penance, plan B or even just me trying to clean up the mess I've made; it's a new start, a clean slate. It's a blessing.